Sorting The Baby Stuff

There is News Now

Doc called today to say quad screen shows Downs risk is 1/136. Risk based on my age alone is 1/155. What we need to decide is whether to do amnio to get a for-sure dx. We've gone back and forth all day. Right now I'm sitting on 'do it' because labor hurts like a motherforker and I want to know what I'll be seeing at the end of that effort. I don't want to get a big surprise at the moment the critter is born.
The 12 week scan back in Nov showed nuchal thickness of 1.1, and they get concerned with a measurement of 3 to 4 or higher. That scan also showed the presence of nasal bone, which is not present in 90% of Downs cases. So, the physical findings on a u/s from 6 weeks ago show nothing to worry over. Risk of loss due to amnio is 1/300, I think. I'm willing to listen to anything anyone has to say.

I Place My Worries Here

Last week I heard about a friend's friend who had a baby at just over 21 weeks - the baby is 8 months old now. Twenty minutes later I met a three year old boy who was born at 26 weeks. And now the Duggars have a baby at 25 (?) weeks. This is all starting to freak me out. I'm at 17 weeks. I'm starting to fixate on these early births, and I really don't know why.

Yes I had preterm labor at 28 weeks with Colin, but I really believe that was mostly due to the circumstances at the time and not just because my body was freaking out. So I mostly think my chances of preterm labor this time are low...unless I worry myself into it by fretting over these stories, I suppose. But still, my mind keeps wandering back there...not quite to the repetitive thoughts stage, but...

No News Is Good News

Nothing new to report. Am waiting in OBs office right now for a regular appointment. Now that I don't feel so crappy things are going along quite well. Quad screen today. 20 week ultrasound on Dec 30th, while the movers are at my house packing everything but the cats and the kid into a big moving truck. We leave Bowling Green and head to Baton Rouge the morning of the 31st.

Okee Dokee

Heartbeat was around 174. Next step is the mat/fet med appointment next Thursday.

Next Update: Wednesday

I didn't call for a peace-of-mind appointment.  There were lots of reasons, one big one being that my husband was about to leave to start his new job (with new insurance) in a few days and we really needed him to get there and get started before we went about trying to schedule a D&C.  We are still on his old insurance until Nov 1st, and there is always COBRA.  But for us, right now, we just really needed him to get down to Baton Rouge and get started before we found out any news.  That may seem horribly practical and unfeeling, and in fact, I accused my husband of those two things during our discussion, but really, for us, it makes the most sense.

I've gone back and forth every few days as to whether we are still pregnant.  Something is making my boobs hurt a whole lot, but other than that and needing to make sure I've always got quick access to food, I'm feeling especially fine.  If all turns out to be well, then I'll just be grateful not to be sick anymore and move on.  However, there is one thing that is making me feel kinda un-pregnant: my belly.  It just popped out one day around 6 or seven weeks and 'seemed' to be getting bigger, but now it 'seems' to be holding steady.  I'd say it hasn't gotten any bigger in at least two weeks.  This could be me just way way way over thinking this.  Or, the pg could have stalled.  One thing is for sure: I feel like my pants are fitting better than they were, and I'm almost sure that a few weeks ago I couldn't have zipped the pants I wore to church today.  I suppose it's possible that things in my body have just shifted, so that my pants to appear to fit better even though I'm still growing.  I'm over 50% sure that's not the case, though.   

My appointment is on Wednesday. I did call to ask if they would try to find the hb with the doppler and she said they 'could'...I'm gonna have to just make sure they do.  It seems early to say this, but whether this pregnancy is a keeper or not, I believe we are done.  It's hard for me to imagine that last December I was bawling because my husband wasn't sure he wanted to try again and now I'm pretty much certain that I never ever want to do this again.  For me, right now, the outcome - precious as it is - is just not worth the journey to get there.  That sentiment may upset some of you, and I understand that.    

Feeling Better Worries Me

I have felt like total crap for two weeks. It's been like having a hangover 24 hours a day. Awful. No throwing up, just nauseous, dead tired unable to lift arms or move at more than a sloth's pace. Had to tell the folks we hang out with what was going on or they would have thought I had swine flu.

And then I woke up yesterday morning and like magic I felt a least 50% better and that's good, right? because, dang, who wants to feel like garbage all day long and...err, or is it all that good?

I knew exactly when my second miscarriage happened. All my pregnancy symptoms just disappeared-whoosh. I feel better than I did two days ago, much much better, but not perfect. Then again, during our last miscarriage, I had no idea- I still felt pretty junky and gaggy (even asked the doc if it was in my head and he said no, the hormones were still coursing through my body even though the heartbeat had gone away.).

So, I have evidence on both sides of the 'pregnancy illness goes away or stays' issue. And this is the same eighth week that our last m/c happened. And my husband goes to Baton Rouge to start his new job on Saturday. And I'll be alone with a 2.5 year old. And I'm not convinced I'm still pregnant, but not convinced I'm not. And I don't really think this dr office is one that would give me a peace of mind appt. But if it is an m/c I'll be by myself when I find out and my next appt isn't for two weeks and thats a long time to wait and ... Oh the spinning mind late at night.

So Far, So Good

Heartbeat was in the 120's, and visible, so we're good there for now. Also, I feel pretty crappy (but not near as bad as Duchess) so I guess that counts for something. Have a maternal/fetal med appt for Nov 5. This is the appointment where they measure nuchal thickness and give the odds of downs and whatnot. It's also the appointment where we began to find out about all that was wrong with Adam. My husband will already be in Baton Rouge by then, since he starts on Oct 19th, so I'll be on my own for that appointment. I just keep reminding myself that I won't be on my own permanently, we'll all be together again once Colin and I move down there. We're going to get through the 'oh-god-no' milestones/appts here while we have a dr that kinda gets our history and friends to keep Colin while I go to the appointments.

I've got to figure out how to find a high risk doc down in Baton Rouge. I'm hoping to ask the mat/fet doc that comes to Bowling Green once a month (that I'll see on Nov 5th) for a recommendation, but that's a ways off.

One Wake-Up

Just one wake-up left until we have our first ultrasound. As I mentioned before we will be just barely at the six week mark, so we are ready to be told that there is no heartbeat yet and to come back in two weeks.

Over the weekend it looked like I was going to miss tomorrow's appointment altogether. My mom broke her hip last weekend and had surgery to repair it. Then she came down with pneumonia and had a small heart attack. My Dad and sister asked my brother and I to come home because it wasn't looking very good for a while there, but she bounced back big-time over the weekend. Next step for her is a cardiac cath tomorrow.

Here's hoping I can sleep tonight with all that's going on. So far I've been handling all of this really well, which worries me a little, because things always catch up wih you.

Baton Rouge

We are moving to Baton Rouge.  My husband was offered a kick-ass job, with good money and 4 weeks of vacation.  This position is the break into the big-time in his field.  I'm extremely proud of and excited for him, but I'm sad to be leaving Bowling Green.  As unsure as I was about moving here, I think its turned out to be great - for one thing, I learned how to make friends.  Up until now I've always had work or school to meet folks, but when we got down here I had to learn to reach out and find friends...in fact I met one of my best friends down here by striking up a conversation with her in Target (thanks for the tip, D!)  

As for the currently looming baby issue: we are still pregnant, as far as we know.  Other than my boobs being a bit sore when I walk down a flight of stairs I have absolutely no symptoms, which isn't really like pregnant me.  Then again, most of my other pregnancies (this is # 6) didn't turn out so great, so maybe its okay that I feel okay, ya know?  Six week u/s is in 10 days.  My husband and I fully expect that there will be no heartbeat yet, and that we'll be asked to come in for another u/s at 8 weeks.  This will sound awful, but those who have been there will understand: we looked at the calendar and figured out that if this pregnancy is a no-go we will know that and be able to have a D&C before he starts his new job, which is a blessing.    

I've heard lots of icky things about Baton Rouge, and its not a place that my husband and I would chose to go.  However, we are only planning to stay there 2 years or so, and we are looking at this as an adventure.  If any of you have contacts in Baton Rouge, please hook a girl up!

It Will Be Fine

I have decided.  It will be fine.  At least I've decided that for now.  At this moment.  I may weaken again shortly, like I did yesterday afternoon when I had only known I was pregnant for about two hours and I suddenly was overcome with the feeling that this was the worst idea I had ever had.  Stupid Stupid Stupid.  Poor Colin wont get all of me.  I will miss some of him.  What a dummy I was to think this was a good plan.  And we're probably getting ready to move again, but my husband will probably move ahead of Colin and me, so I'll be a single mom for a little while, so the timing sucks.  Or does it?  Maybe this falls under the heading of "the right baby is born at the right time".  

I have decided it will be fine.  I may start bleeding any minute.  Or there may be no heartbeat at the 6 week u/s.  Or the demon that took Adam may show up again at the 12 week u/s.  Or there could be a healthy baby and we'll be all alone in a new city and have no support, no babysitters, no one we trust but god we knew that when we decided to go ahead and keep trying to get pregnant anyway so maybe it could be said that we got ourselves into this mess...but...what mess, really?  Right now there is no mess -  what we have is a possibility.  And even if all goes wrong, or right, it will be fine.  I have decided.