Sorting The Baby Stuff

New Star

There is a new little star in heaven.  His name is Carter M.  He was born two months early and lived a day, but his tiny lungs just weren't ready.  Please send some healing vibes to his family.

Part-Time Single Mom

So, my husband accepted the job in Bowling Green, Kentucky, and he started last week.  That means he's in another state Monday thru Friday.  We made it through week one, and it wasn't as bad as I anticipated.  First of all, I was not shy about telling people what I needed, and they came through.  I needed a shower, so I called a neighbor and handed Colin off for a few minutes.  I needed to be out of my house (and out of my pajamas) so I called someone else to go for a walk.  Also, I just focused on the day/week at hand, not the next month or two.

Another thing that seems better is the Postpartum Depression.  I'm still taking the meds, but I feel like I could start to wean down if I wanted to.  I won't be doing that, however, given the upheavals of moving away from family and friends that are getting ready to come my way.  Also, we are moving with a one year-old.  That just does not sound appealing.  I want Colin to be with me here, and I want him to be with me when we're settled into the new place, but in between...well I'm thinking its gonna be a little rough.  We have found a house that we'd like to buy, but have not yet made an offer.  It's pretty far out of town - far enough that there is no cable available, so we'll have to do TV and internet through satellite.

I did see online that there appears to be a pretty good La Leche group in Bowling Green and even though we only nurse at naptime or bedtime, I guess we still qualify.  At least I know how to hook up with a few other women with babies in the area.

So, there is no posting during the week because I'm always on Colin-duty (which is better than colon-duty, or even colon-doo-dee).  When the kid naps I nap too, or I do the chores I can't get done with him hanging off my legs.  And when he goes to bed...well, I have to admit that he is still sleeping with us.  That will change - hopefully before he goes to college.

Oh - and so far my husband is really liking his new job a whole lot.  Very excited and energized.  And when he got home on Friday I don't think he set Colin down for an hour.  He missed that kid a bunch, and it was lovely to watch.

Bowl!ing Green Kentucky

This is a very long shot, but anyone happen to know anything about Bowling Green, KY?  I may have to move there and I'm wondering about medical care, schools, etc.  I know that you don't choose a place to live based on this alone, but one of the things on my mind is whether we'll be able to find the level of medical care that got us through our pregnancy with Colin (for when/if we want to try again, obviously).  Maybe I'm being a big-city snob, and you can tell me that. 

Time To Grow

At about this time a year ago my right leg was still completely numb from the epidural and my husband and I were trying to figure out how to email our family a picture of Colin from a cell phone.  He was about 6 hours old.  We changed our first dirty diaper - it took 20 minutes, partly owing to the fact that they really should supply a putty knife for scraping off meconium.  A year ago it took two other people to help me nurse each time, and now I can practically do it while sleeping.  Oh, the changes in us and in him!  We're just now getting to know Colin, and he's just getting to know us. 

We've kept him alive for the first year, and now we get to grow him. 

Can't wait to see who he becomes.

From this...

...to this. 

    

Reaching Out to the Internets

Ladies - I have an acquaintance who has just lost twin girls at 19 weeks.  One had a knot in the umbilical cord, and its decomposition(?) killed the other one.  She is needing to hook up with someone online who has been exactly (or as close as possible) where she is.  Any suggestions?

An 'Adam Day' or Two

On Sunday Spring came by for a visit (didn't stay long, its freezing and snowing and sleeting now).  The whole neighborhood opened its doors and crept toward the sidewalks.  It was lovely.  I was itchy.  Not the scratchy kind, more like something was itching my brain.  I got uncomfortable.  Something was working on me, my mood was going downhill, even as I took my son out for his inaugural walk down the street.  I knew those feelings meant that, along with Spring, the grief-bitch had swung by for a visit.  Adam was born in January of 2006, and I remember when Spring first sprung (sprang?) that year.  It was such a relief.  Such a dark weight lifted off of me.  Healing was beginning.  That's what I imagine brought up some grief for me on Sunday.  I felt terrible having bad feelings on such a wonderful day, but I had to tell my husband about it; my ship was sinking.  Then I called my friend D, who is, unfortunately, familiar with the grief-bitch too.  She understands that sad just sometimes descends for no apparent reason.

I felt better by bedtime, and didn't have the grief-hangover the next day.  Tuesday I had another "Adam Day" of a different kind.  At my mom's group a new woman came with a 4 week old baby.  Her first baby had died of SIDS* in April of last year (yes, she got pg two weeks after her daughter died.)  We were instantly bonded.  She got to say her baby's name (Abby) and I got to say Adam's name.  We laughed together at the insane but well meaning things that people say, discussed how we deal with the "Is this your first baby?" question.  Sounds awful to say, but I left feeling wonderful,  and I could tell she was glad of the conversation too.

* To pregnant readers who are now having heart palpitations, there were extenuating circumstances, this was not garden-variety SIDS.            

Delay of Game

One morning last week, after Colin had an especially wakeful night, I convinced my husband that we needed to move forward with getting the boy into his crib.  Wouldn't you just know the kid gets a fever of 102 that afternoon?  He had no other symptoms until a day or two later, when he got a wretched cough(that he has now passed on to his parents).  I think he and Daddy were in cahoots.  So the project to get him in his crib at night has been put on hold.  Also, the woman who runs my PPD group made a good point: whether he is aware of it or not, maybe my husband is fighting this because he needs the comfort of having Colin in bed with us (due to the no job stress, etc.)

My current plan for naps (just started yesterday) is that I read Colin a book or two, turn on what we call the 'sleepy CD',* nurse him, and put him in the crib.  Then I pop in the earplugs and sit in the rocking chair in his room and do a crossword puzzle.  We've had mixed results so far, but right now Daddy is sitting in there reading (reports that Colin cried for about 15 minutes before sleeping).  My theory was that he wouldn't keep crying holding out for us to come back in after 5, 10 or 15 minutes if we just remained present, but ignored him.  The only interaction we've had so far is to lay him back down when he stands in the crib.  I'm also working on the theory that when Colin wakes up from his nap and we're still sitting there maybe it will make him feel better...or something??

^^^ once again, I had more to say, but Daddy is ready for me to swtich with him (Daddy has a nasty cold, so he gets his way today)... I gotta go ... no time to spell check. 

* Not really a big Kenny Loggins fan myself, but this CD was given to Colin.  It must have some magic spell in it because it has helped him sleep since he was about 5 months old.  There are some really beautiful songs on there, especially the last two.

Normal Coming Soon (?)

Colin is always right next to me.  We spend our days together.  We spend our nights together.  We generally shower together (he sits and plays on the shower floor while I get cleaned up.)  You might be thinking "at least she's got some alone-time when he naps."  Umm, not really.  This is our fault entirely, I am sure, but Colin really only naps well (2 hours am and pm) if I'm holding him.  I am with him so much that it is as if I am still pregnant, but with Colin on the outside. 

I know - its flat out ridiculous.  I am working on getting him to nap in his crib, but its been rough.  Ferber, No Cry, sit in a chair and move it further away every three days, Make-It-Up-As-You-Go, try-one-thing-then-another.  Until now (he's 10 months old) I didn't feel Colin could handle crying it out, and I wasn't ready to hear it.  But I think we are both ready now.  Only thing is, Daddy is home all day too (which is the only reason I am finally getting to post something) and Daddy is not so good with CIO.  We keep going round and round about what our strategy is/will be/should be.  Our crazy mom-does-this-and-dad-does-that approach has been rather schizophrenic, and I'm sure that's not helping.  I think I am probably going to have to just lay down the law and tell him I'll handle the nap thing, he can be hands off and I'll do it myself so at least there can be consistency. 

I've read the arguments against CIO - I don't want him to feel abandoned, or that we won't come if he needs us, or that his crib is a prison.  But I do want him to be able to sleep without one of us holding him.  Its a life-skill.  And everyone needs some alone-time, especially mommies.      

And if we get him sleeping in his crib for naps, I am ready to get him out of our bed at night, too.  That one will be much harder because my defenses are worn down at night and I usually just give in when my husband says "screw it, lets just bring him to bed."  We're working on it.  We'll get there.  Parenting is hard because it is relentless and taxing both physically and mentally.

So all this is to say that a return to some kind of normal (where I can blog and read e-mail and have a few hours where I am not actively parenting) is, I hope, coming to my life soon.

Various and Sundry

A mish-mash of info. 

Finally, within just the last two days, the plugged duct seems to have resolved. Thanks for all the suggestions.  One CLC suggested Lecithin, so I went out and bought it, but I never opened it because after I got home I read that lecithin can increase symptoms of depression - not a good combo with PPD.  Will be getting my $10 back.

Last Saturday was Adam's birthday, and it was ok.  Just like last year, I was more wound up a day or two beforehand than on the actual day.  Unlike last year, because we have Colin, I am so keenly aware of what we missed out on with Adam.  But then every time I think that, I remember that we never would have had anything with Adam, he was never coming home with us.  I hear the words of the docs that examined him after he was born: '"the defects were insurmountable." 

I sat down with the Adam box and went through all of it.  Re-read every card we received, looked through the scrapbook of his pictures, glanced over the autopsy and pathology reports.  I looked at his outfit and little hat, touched his blankets and held the flannel folder on my chest for a little while before bed.  I wept a bit, but not crying, just quiet weeping - mostly, I think, because I was so touched by the outpouring of love from friends, acquaintances and strangers.

^^^ well,crap - there was more I wanted to say in this only free time I have since - ummm forever, but my husband , wonderful man that he is, just awakened Colin accidentally, so I must go. 

Breastfeeding Problem

Have only a moment to post this - I'm having a problem with plugged milk ducts on one side.  Thought it was thrush, got into a doctor on new year's eve who said Colin probably bit me, but she must've been high because I think I'd remember being bitten.  She told me to use warm compresses and only pump (not nurse) on that side for a day or two.  If it wasn't better, then fill the Rx for an antibiotic.  The day after new years I had a quick consultation with an IBCLC, who dx'd milk duct blockage, and agreed with me that there was no need to take the antibiotic.  It is sore to the touch and hurts like the devil when Colin begins to nurse on it.  Here's what I've done to resolve it so far:   

• heat for at least 20 minutes prior to nursing/pumping (moist heat when I can, but that's a mess)
• pump immediately after nursing to make sure breast is empty (it is - most I've gotten is 1/2 oz)
• drink ridiculous amounts of water
• massage breast while nursing/pumping to keep things moving south.  This has worked - there are no lumps in the 'meat' of the breast, now there just seems to be a huge traffic jam right behind the nipple.  Several hard/knotty areas - been stuck this way for days.
• have taken hot/soapy showers, lots of massaging and manual expression.  Even sat on floor of shower twice with Colin nursing and hot water on us both. 
• have looked for the little stringy things everyone says you can pull out with tweezers - haven't seen anything
• taking ibuprofen throughout day to reduce the inflammation
• trying all kinds of nursing positions, including on all fours above him to let gravity help.  Look like a jackass doing this. 

Any, any, any suggestions at all?  If I thought it would help I'd drink camel urine collected only on the third Tuesday of the month, strained through cloth woven from gold.  I'm going to try to see the IBCLC again tomorrow, but I'm getting concerned.  This is the 12th day of this, and I can see when I pump that I'm not getting as many 'sprays' on the affected side.  I'm afraid that side will shut down, and that would...wait for it...suck.