The first week and a half after the positive hpt we really did literally act like nothing happened. We had nine members of my husband's family in town for an early Thanksgiving, then we went home to stay with my family for 'actual' Thanksgiving. That Sunday, on the car ride back to Kentucky, my husband brought up the baby issue, because we were talking about puppies (<--- that'll make sense later). We didn't get all giggly and excited or discuss baby names, but we did google due date calculators and whatnot on my iphone.
So, I hopped on the Hope Roller Coaster that afternoon. Because I could think of nothing else to do, I took another hpt when we got home. Of course it turned positive faster than immediately. Now, I know good and well that how fast it turns positive is no indication of the amount of hCG. Further, I know from my first miscarriage that hCG levels can be a-ok even when there is a problem (hCG was almost 100,000 the day we found out it was a blighted ovum.) All that reasoning aside, I was feeling a bit hopeful for the first time.
Toward the end of the week, though, the doubts started getting louder than the hopes. I just simply do not seem pregnant. It's early yet - 1st day of lmp 10/22, but still I was sick with Colin. Not throwing up everyday sick, but I was ill. I could not eat anything (not even salad dressing) with even a hint of garlic or onion in it without getting ill, and nothing like that is going on this time around (though some of that could be due to a change in prenatal vitamins). My boobs don't hurt at all. I'm not more tired, not more hungry and don't have to pee more.
Right now my worries are very practical. I've never had to consider childcare when scheduling a dr appointment before. My husband will come home and stay with Colin (we don't have anyone who could sit for us, and though we've met a few other moms/kids, we don't know any of them well enough to ask them to keep Colin). This means that I will have to go to the u/s and dr appt alone. The last time I did that was in November of 2005 when I was at Adam's 12 week u/s and the tech thought she saw an increased nuchal measurement that became so very much more. Speaking of ultrasounds, I know I could try to call and see about getting in before Dec 17, but I guess at this point I'd rather just do it when I know for sure there would be a heartbeat. My other 'practical worries' are that if this is a m/c it just moves our timeline back that much further for TTC (I'm already 36, time is not on my side) Lastly, someone else is going to have to keep Colin for a few hours so I can have a d&c Yup, the cart is a bit before the horse on that last one, but I'm just spilling what's going on in my brain.
Must change subjects right quick as Colin is likely to wake up from his nap in a few minutes. My husband wants a labrador retriever puppy something fierce. We had three german shepherds when I was little, so I'm used to big dogs, and we have lots of room for a dog to run and play. But, geeze, they sound like a lot of work. There is a breeder in the area who will have a litter ready to go home at Christmas. Don't get me started on the breeder vs rescue discussion - I've made my case and my husband insists on a breeder this go-round. I feel like I'm being the grinch if I tell him 'no' but even he understands that since I'm home all day, the majority of the dog-work will fall on me. I feel like I'm not having a very open heart if I'm against a puppy, and I can see how in some ways this is okay timing. Plus, there is a movie coming about about a yellow lab, so I figure the breed is about to get all messed up as it gets even more popular than it already is. Are we nuts to consider this right now ?
Gotta go.
You know, a puppy plus Colin will keep you distracted about the "what if's", and help you grieve if bad things happen. I have 2 golden retrievers and they are very sensitive to my moods- they are truly my babies!! So glad you are able to blog again!
Posted by: Heather R | December 10, 2008 at 09:32 AM