Sorting The Baby Stuff

No Fetal Material

A few days after this m/c I started re-reading Coming to Term to get ready for our dr appointment.  I just needed to remind myself of the science behind miscarriage and get my head ready to talk about next steps.  Since the facts seem to show that a majority of miscarriages involve chromosomally screwed up fetuses, I was disappointed that I had not thought to ask that the tissue from the D&C be sent off for testing.  But I didn't beat myself up over it because that was such an effed up day, and who knows if they do that kind of thing out here in BFE.  (Turns out, the surgery center, dr offices and pharmacies I have been to down here are way more technologically advanced than anything I saw in Indy.  All records are electronic, bar codes are used to ID patients and send orders, Rxs, etc.)

So last week we had our follow-up with the dr, and he asks about bleeding, cramping, all the usual stuff and I told him that of the 4 I've had, this was the easiest D&C yet.  Minimal pain, and light bleeding that only lasted a week.  He says, "Well, these next few weeks will be a critical time and we'll have to watch closely, because the pathologist's report came back saying there was 'no fetal material' ".  *

WTF?  Good Lord, in Indy when we sent the products of conception off for testing my husband and I both signed so much stuff it felt like we were giving away a living child.  So, the news that testing was done was obviously a shock.  But, I really don't care.  I'm even kinda okay that there were no results, because I was not at all prepared to hear any of it.  I am peeved, however, that we will probably get a huge pathologist's bill, for no information.

Oddly, my cycle started up again right away after the other D&C's, and three weeks out, nothing so far this time.  The dr said he has had D&C's where some tissue was retained, but never an entire baby, so he thinks the lab messed up somewhere.  He told me to call ASAP if any heavy bleeding or cramping kicks up.  Oh, and I know there was a baby in there, because I saw the baby and the heartbeat at the first u/s and I have a picture of it.  How long should I wait before worrying about not having had a period yet?  This just isn't like my body - or at least wasn't like my body in the past.    

[NOTE - these paragraphs/sentences are not in the order I want them, but we just got a new computer this weekend and I haven't figured out how to cut and paste on a Mac yet.  Better just keep typing while Colin is napping and worry about formatting later.]

As for trying again, there is a little hope.  The other day my husband and I were discussing getting me a different vehicle, and he mentioned being sure we had room for two car seats.  So, that's progress.  I didn't react outwardly, but there was a tiny dance of joy going on inside me.  His main questions for the dr revolved around wondering how dangerous/benign it is for me to keep having D&C's.  The only thing I remember from the dr's response (Colin was climbing the walls and shrieking) involved Asherman's, but he also said the fact that I keep getting pg means there is probably very minimal scar tissue.  I need to look up more info on Asherman's and get with Julia on the subject, 'cuz I know she knows.

That'll be it for now, as I need to get some chore-type things done while the kid slumbers.  I'm grateful to have the care, knowledge, experience and support of all of you on my side.      

*After re-reading this, I feel like I've made the dr sound like a bonehead.  He's not - he seems like a genuinely good guy, who is letting us take the lead where and when we want to.  He offered me his cell # and, because he knew we are the researching type, gave us his email address in case I thought of any other questions or testing I read about and wanted done.  

Does Lune$ta work?

Dr gave me an Rx for 30 days of Lune$ta. Took dose 30 minutes ago and so far no reaction. I could feel when Amb!en kicked in when I took it back in 2006. Any of you taken this L drug?

Wide Awake

It's 2:10AM. I am not asleep. This has been going on since I stopped taking the good pain drugs from the D&C. I assume that had it not been for the drugs knocking me out, this would have been going on since the day of the D&C.

I have never been a good sleeper. Back in the day I dreaded bedtime. I have always had to read or listen to music or watch TV to get to sleep. Due to Colin's amazing lack of interest in the news, (we watch the Game Show Network-he likes the clapping- or the Jungle Book movie pretty much everyday- watched it 5 times in two days) I get my info about the
rest of the world from listening to podcasts on
my iPhone as I fall asleep at night (which is also how I'm posting this right now). I have been listening for hours and hours this week. I'm fully updated on the world's events, but lord am I ever under-slept.

I have finally moved out to the living room so I won't be bothering my husband with my iPhone listening/solitaire playing combo. I have also finally decided that I am going to call the dr in the morning to see about getting something for sleep because this is ridiculous.

Adam's birthday is coming up on Monday, so I figure if you add that to this recent m/c I probably just need to listen to my body and mind and get some help for bedtime, because I am back to way way way dreading it.

Not too easy to check this entry on the tiny iPhone acreen so I'm just gonna let it post with problems and try to get on the regular computer tomorrow and fix it up (if I can pry my eyes open).

This Will Ramble

From the moment we knew it was a miscarriage,*we both felt more irritated and disappointed than sad.  And that feeling lasted until yesterday, when a couple of things came together for a perfect storm.  First, my husband hadn't slept well, and said it was because he'd been off work since the 23rd and was not looking forward to going back today.  That's not like him - he's a positive person, loves work and doesn't mope.  I think its safe to say he's pretty unhappy at this new job, but we are thankful that at least he has a job in this economy - we know several folks that are out of work right now.  Then we went to church, and dummy-me forgot that all the hymns in these days after Christmas involve the words crib, baby, crying, mother, etc.  We had also begun to tip-toe around a 'trying again' discussion, but I was sensing some push-back from him.  

It all came to a head at about 11 last night when I couldn't sleep and we ended up going full on at the 'trying again' topic.  I wasn't sad about this loss until I realized that he doesn't want to try again.  That is breaking my heart, stealing my hope and making me very angry.  Its probably a good thing that he's out of town for work tonight.  The most commitment I can get out of him is that we'll see what the dr has to say next week and then we'll discuss it.  But I know he would be overjoyed if I said I was done.  I didn't know this was my last chance.  

I hate the thought of putting Colin's baby things away and knowing no other child of mine is going to play with them/wear them/use them.  My husband isn't at all excited about the idea of adoption, so that's out.  I'm 36.  That can be kinda old to have a baby, but its not ancient, is it?  Because we are older parents (my husband is 10 years older than me) we know we don't want to saddle Colin with caring for a special needs sibling and the chances of that go up as the months pass by.  He says we should be grateful for one healthy child.  I am, and I don't think wanting another one is being ungrateful.  He says he doesn't want to have three losses to get another healthy one like it took for Colin.  I say I'm the one enduring the losses and D&C's (with the exception of Adam, which was his loss too) so step the fuck off.  He says he doesn't want to have a baby when he's 50, which I can understand, but that's 3 years away (he turns 47 in a few weeks).  My siblings have driven me nuts at times, but I'm glad I have them, and I want that very badly for Colin.  I don't want him to be an only child.          

Oh Fuck Fuck Fuck.  Fuck and then Fuck. 

*  Because we were still before 12 weeks, we knew it would be a transvag!nal u/s.  The tech gets started, but of course I can't see a thing.  I look at my husband and he can't tell what he's looking at.  I try to get a read off the tech's face, but that  got me nothing.  I figure things must be okay because she kept pressing the button to make the beep that prints the pictures (I think).  But there were a lot of beeps and lots of moving things around and after maybe 3 minutes or so she looks at me and says "Can you hold this for a minute?"  Folks, she had me reach down and hold the end of the dildo cam while it was still inside me and she walked out of the room without a word.  I just stared  at the door, stunned -  and finally said to my husband "that can't be good."  I am not exaggerating when I say she was gone for at least 7 minutes, because I finally looked at the time on the u/s machine to track it.  If it didn't involve crotch I would've thought we were on candid camera rather than v-tv.  Eventually the she-devil tech walked back in with the dr trailing behind her and the jig was up.  I will have to give the dr credit.  Because we happened to have family in town who were leaving the next morning, he said he'd stay and do the D&C at the ambulatory surgery center across the street that evening.  We were home by 11 that night and he gave me lots of good drugs.