This Will Ramble

From the moment we knew it was a miscarriage,*we both felt more irritated and disappointed than sad.  And that feeling lasted until yesterday, when a couple of things came together for a perfect storm.  First, my husband hadn't slept well, and said it was because he'd been off work since the 23rd and was not looking forward to going back today.  That's not like him - he's a positive person, loves work and doesn't mope.  I think its safe to say he's pretty unhappy at this new job, but we are thankful that at least he has a job in this economy - we know several folks that are out of work right now.  Then we went to church, and dummy-me forgot that all the hymns in these days after Christmas involve the words crib, baby, crying, mother, etc.  We had also begun to tip-toe around a 'trying again' discussion, but I was sensing some push-back from him.  

It all came to a head at about 11 last night when I couldn't sleep and we ended up going full on at the 'trying again' topic.  I wasn't sad about this loss until I realized that he doesn't want to try again.  That is breaking my heart, stealing my hope and making me very angry.  Its probably a good thing that he's out of town for work tonight.  The most commitment I can get out of him is that we'll see what the dr has to say next week and then we'll discuss it.  But I know he would be overjoyed if I said I was done.  I didn't know this was my last chance.  

I hate the thought of putting Colin's baby things away and knowing no other child of mine is going to play with them/wear them/use them.  My husband isn't at all excited about the idea of adoption, so that's out.  I'm 36.  That can be kinda old to have a baby, but its not ancient, is it?  Because we are older parents (my husband is 10 years older than me) we know we don't want to saddle Colin with caring for a special needs sibling and the chances of that go up as the months pass by.  He says we should be grateful for one healthy child.  I am, and I don't think wanting another one is being ungrateful.  He says he doesn't want to have three losses to get another healthy one like it took for Colin.  I say I'm the one enduring the losses and D&C's (with the exception of Adam, which was his loss too) so step the fuck off.  He says he doesn't want to have a baby when he's 50, which I can understand, but that's 3 years away (he turns 47 in a few weeks).  My siblings have driven me nuts at times, but I'm glad I have them, and I want that very badly for Colin.  I don't want him to be an only child.          

Oh Fuck Fuck Fuck.  Fuck and then Fuck. 

*  Because we were still before 12 weeks, we knew it would be a transvag!nal u/s.  The tech gets started, but of course I can't see a thing.  I look at my husband and he can't tell what he's looking at.  I try to get a read off the tech's face, but that  got me nothing.  I figure things must be okay because she kept pressing the button to make the beep that prints the pictures (I think).  But there were a lot of beeps and lots of moving things around and after maybe 3 minutes or so she looks at me and says "Can you hold this for a minute?"  Folks, she had me reach down and hold the end of the dildo cam while it was still inside me and she walked out of the room without a word.  I just stared  at the door, stunned -  and finally said to my husband "that can't be good."  I am not exaggerating when I say she was gone for at least 7 minutes, because I finally looked at the time on the u/s machine to track it.  If it didn't involve crotch I would've thought we were on candid camera rather than v-tv.  Eventually the she-devil tech walked back in with the dr trailing behind her and the jig was up.  I will have to give the dr credit.  Because we happened to have family in town who were leaving the next morning, he said he'd stay and do the D&C at the ambulatory surgery center across the street that evening.  We were home by 11 that night and he gave me lots of good drugs.  

Comments

[Kim]

I didn't realize you were "back," so to speak. I am so sorry that it is on account of this.

[MelanieI]

I am so sorry for your loss. I have no other words of wisdom to impart. 1/4 was the anniversary of the day we lost our Bennett. I am feeling your pain and sending compassion your way.

[Stacy]

I am so sorry for your loss. I suffered a m/c before my son was born and one in between my son and daughter. If we would have lost my daughter's pregnancy, my heart couldn't handle anymore. You and your husband are in my thoughts.

[amy]

I'm so sorry :( I hope you have a better opportunity to discuss things with your husband so that neither of you are resentful.

[Thalia]

I think he may need time. Right in the middle of a loss is not the time to make life-changing decisions. You are claerly in very different positions, but that might change. Give it a bit of time.

The dildo holding thing is RIDICULOUS! If she had to go for that long she should have taken it out. Silly woman.

[Lisa]

I am so sorry for your loss. We had our second m/c last July and went through very similar emotions (irritation, disappointment, then sadness and conflict about trying again). The phrase "it sucks" doesn't do it justice.

Right now, I imagine emotions are very raw for both of you, especially after the depth of the losses you've endured. I hope that when a little time passes, you will be able to sit down and discuss your feelings of trying again with your husband and he will be more receptive. In the meantime, my thoughts are with the both of you.

[Suzanne]

I am sorry for your loss. I had my second miscarriage in September and my husband and I were also on opposite sides of the spectrum in terms of trying again. Except he wanted to and I didn't. I too thought that one healthy child was enough for me. After a little time passed and things weren't so raw I realized a lot of my not wanting to try again was more about not wanting another loss than not wanting another baby. Hopefully a little time will allow you and your husband to agree on trying again.

[Karen]

So sorry. I hope that your husband's stance is a temporary reaction to your pain and you can come to agreement on trying again.

[Kristin]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Shelley]

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

I got here via Julia, so I don't know your complete story, but offer mine -- I have one healthy 5-y-o, born when I was almost 35, after a very early m/c... and after her I had two missed m/c's, both discovered at about 12 weeks. Eventually we came to the mutual decision that we couldn't stand trying again... especially since I turn 40 next week. I wanted to let you know that it's taken years, but I am now OK with this, utterly and completely - and eventually, you would be OK too, if you only have one. You may always have some regret about it as I do, I mean, obviously I had different plans. But I am very, very content with one, and want to let you know that this will not always hurt the way it does now. I promise.

But, 36 is *not* old, and I hope from the bottom of my heart that you get a second child.

[Shelley]

...and now took the time to read your backstory (note to self: do that first next time), and now understand the depth of what you've gone through, and my story doesn't seem at all as relevant now. Forgive me if I've been insensitive, and know I'm thinking of you.

[Spacemom]

This is still pretty early to discuss another child. Both you and your husband are feeling the pain from this loss, from Adam, from other losses... Give each other some time and space. You can approach the topic later, when some greiving has happened.

Sending you love and hugs. No loss is trivial.

[Jennifer]

While I'm nowhere near being able to understand what you are feeling, I am sorry for your loss. Sucks doesn't even cover it. Just for the record, 36 is not old (oh please, dear God, it had better not be). Thinking of all of you.

[Kim]

I am sorry for your loss. And 36 is not too old to have a baby, and neither is 50. Hopefully your Dh will come around to trying again after the disappointment lessens some.

[BrooklynGirl]

God Lord--that tech's behavior is appalling.

I think it's a hard time to make decisions of any kind, and I fervently hope your husband changes his mind.

[Tonya]

I am deeply sorry for your loss. And that tech should be censured for leaving you literally holding the wand. There is no possible reason for that.

I had three losses between the births of my two children. I can say now that looking back it was all worth it. But I don't know if I could have kept going if we'd lost another, and I definitely know my husband would have been "done." It is such a personal thing.

You will be in my thoughts.

[Nancy]

sent here by Uncommon Julia - BIG Texas hugs and prayers for you!

[Trisha]

Give him some time to "heal" from this latest loss. He's probably letting his sadness cloud his thinking right now. (((HUGS)))

Trisha