Sorting The Baby Stuff

Okee Dokee

Heartbeat was around 174. Next step is the mat/fet med appointment next Thursday.

Next Update: Wednesday

I didn't call for a peace-of-mind appointment.  There were lots of reasons, one big one being that my husband was about to leave to start his new job (with new insurance) in a few days and we really needed him to get there and get started before we went about trying to schedule a D&C.  We are still on his old insurance until Nov 1st, and there is always COBRA.  But for us, right now, we just really needed him to get down to Baton Rouge and get started before we found out any news.  That may seem horribly practical and unfeeling, and in fact, I accused my husband of those two things during our discussion, but really, for us, it makes the most sense.

I've gone back and forth every few days as to whether we are still pregnant.  Something is making my boobs hurt a whole lot, but other than that and needing to make sure I've always got quick access to food, I'm feeling especially fine.  If all turns out to be well, then I'll just be grateful not to be sick anymore and move on.  However, there is one thing that is making me feel kinda un-pregnant: my belly.  It just popped out one day around 6 or seven weeks and 'seemed' to be getting bigger, but now it 'seems' to be holding steady.  I'd say it hasn't gotten any bigger in at least two weeks.  This could be me just way way way over thinking this.  Or, the pg could have stalled.  One thing is for sure: I feel like my pants are fitting better than they were, and I'm almost sure that a few weeks ago I couldn't have zipped the pants I wore to church today.  I suppose it's possible that things in my body have just shifted, so that my pants to appear to fit better even though I'm still growing.  I'm over 50% sure that's not the case, though.   

My appointment is on Wednesday. I did call to ask if they would try to find the hb with the doppler and she said they 'could'...I'm gonna have to just make sure they do.  It seems early to say this, but whether this pregnancy is a keeper or not, I believe we are done.  It's hard for me to imagine that last December I was bawling because my husband wasn't sure he wanted to try again and now I'm pretty much certain that I never ever want to do this again.  For me, right now, the outcome - precious as it is - is just not worth the journey to get there.  That sentiment may upset some of you, and I understand that.    

Feeling Better Worries Me

I have felt like total crap for two weeks. It's been like having a hangover 24 hours a day. Awful. No throwing up, just nauseous, dead tired unable to lift arms or move at more than a sloth's pace. Had to tell the folks we hang out with what was going on or they would have thought I had swine flu.

And then I woke up yesterday morning and like magic I felt a least 50% better and that's good, right? because, dang, who wants to feel like garbage all day long and...err, or is it all that good?

I knew exactly when my second miscarriage happened. All my pregnancy symptoms just disappeared-whoosh. I feel better than I did two days ago, much much better, but not perfect. Then again, during our last miscarriage, I had no idea- I still felt pretty junky and gaggy (even asked the doc if it was in my head and he said no, the hormones were still coursing through my body even though the heartbeat had gone away.).

So, I have evidence on both sides of the 'pregnancy illness goes away or stays' issue. And this is the same eighth week that our last m/c happened. And my husband goes to Baton Rouge to start his new job on Saturday. And I'll be alone with a 2.5 year old. And I'm not convinced I'm still pregnant, but not convinced I'm not. And I don't really think this dr office is one that would give me a peace of mind appt. But if it is an m/c I'll be by myself when I find out and my next appt isn't for two weeks and thats a long time to wait and ... Oh the spinning mind late at night.

So Far, So Good

Heartbeat was in the 120's, and visible, so we're good there for now. Also, I feel pretty crappy (but not near as bad as Duchess) so I guess that counts for something. Have a maternal/fetal med appt for Nov 5. This is the appointment where they measure nuchal thickness and give the odds of downs and whatnot. It's also the appointment where we began to find out about all that was wrong with Adam. My husband will already be in Baton Rouge by then, since he starts on Oct 19th, so I'll be on my own for that appointment. I just keep reminding myself that I won't be on my own permanently, we'll all be together again once Colin and I move down there. We're going to get through the 'oh-god-no' milestones/appts here while we have a dr that kinda gets our history and friends to keep Colin while I go to the appointments.

I've got to figure out how to find a high risk doc down in Baton Rouge. I'm hoping to ask the mat/fet doc that comes to Bowling Green once a month (that I'll see on Nov 5th) for a recommendation, but that's a ways off.