Sorting The Baby Stuff

Peace of Mind Appointment

Yesterday at lunch I realized I hadn't felt this baby move much.  And I noticed that again yesterday evening.  So  I went to bed and slept well.  And when I awakened this morning I realized the baby hadn't awakened me with his usually active I-like-the-nightlife-I-like-to-boogie behavior all night.  But I didn't freak, I just thought maybe I'd call the doctor this afternoon if things hadn't kicked up by then.  And breakfast came and went, and Colin and I got dressed and ready to go what he calls the 'bookstory' (Barnes and Noble).  I had had tried drinking juice, and I had tried poking him and awaiting a kick in response, but got nothing.  And little by little I worked up a bit of froth over the matter, so I called the doctor and got in at 11.  

I felt like a jackass when I thought I finally felt a flutter as the nurse was taking my blood pressure.  And even more so when the doctor did the doptone and said all that noise other than the heartbeat (155bpm) was movement and couldn't I feel that?  Nope.  So he sent me for an ultrasound, which showed everything to be just perfect, and lots and lots of movement.  Except I have a lot of amniotic fluid, which could be cushioning the blows.  Not so much as to be worried about, just on the high side of normal.  Which was kind of a relief to hear for two reasons: one, a possible explanation for why I'm not feeling the baby move and two, a possible explanation for why I have gained so much weight.  I think I'm gaining water all over the place, not just my belly.  My maternity clothes from Colin barely fit anymore, and I still have two months left.  I was on bed rest at this point with Colin and therefore wasn't burning near the calories I am now, and I'm also eating healthier than I did with Colin, yet I have gained 49 pounds, which is just entirely unlike me.       

So, it all turned out just fine, and I have a regularly scheduled appointment on Tuesday.  I think I should get a trophy for going in today.  Its not something I would have normally done, but I decided that if any of you told me this tale, I'd tell you to call the doc asap, so I followed my own advice.     

PTSD

I swear, I think I have OB appointment PTSD.  I think I'm afraid they're going to put me in the hospital.  There is nothing wrong - the contractions I was having before have settled down considerably - in fact I don't think I realized just how frequent they were until they went away.  And now I can distinguish between baby moving and a contraction much better.  But I still can't shake the feeling of impending doom - that just like with Colin, I will go for a regular appointment and wham-o, be blindsided and hospitalized and the earth will turn upside down and things will start spinning and ... you get the picture.  I'm irritable and don't sleep well the nights before appointments.  I sweat this strong smelling fear-sweat on the way to the appointment – the car smells like it by the time I get there.  Crazy as it sounds, I made sure my toiletry bag was ready in case my husband had to bring it to me the day of my last appointment.  And a few hours after I got home I realized how much of a burden of this worry I had been hauling around.  This is not the sanest behavior.  I'm having no symptoms, what the hell is my problem? 

I think it’s possible that I'm projecting all my other fears and anxieties onto this appointment issue.  Here they are:

•                Someone from church has volunteered to take Colin for the 8 hours or so it will take my brother to drive here.  He'll keep Colin until we get home from the hospital, then he'll head back to his home.  We'll have a few days just the 4 of us, then my mother in law will come for 2-3 weeks.  But how do I know when it’s REALLY labor?  I didn't have it with Colin - leaked amniotic fluid for three days and therefore was induced.  And this time, knowing when it’s the right time really matters.  I just know I’m going to have false alarms, and I’d hate to get my brother started driving here just to turn him back.  And what to I tell Colin when we take him to the church-lady’s?  “Mommy will be gone for a few days…or a few hours, who knows which?” *

•                I’m mostly afraid I’ll pull the trigger too soon because I WANT PAIN RELIEF.  I had it, eventually, with Colin, but my cervix tore and I’m relatively certain I felt that happen and really, I just don’t want to live through that again.  In fact, even if what I felt wasn’t my cervix tearing, but were just regular (pitocin-induced) contractions getting worse, I still really really don’t want that experience again.  I feel like I’ve never had a baby before, like I’m brand new at this thing, because really, in terms of starting labor, I haven’t done that yet, not the traditional ‘in the movies’ way.

•                I’m anxious that the post partum depression will come back.  Other than my OB, I have no general doctor here, and no prospects yet.  We found a ped for Colin and a general doctor for my husband, but he’s a real young guy.  This is closed minded of me, but I just don’t expect a male doctor to ‘get’ PPD.  Tell me I’m wrong, please.  I think at my next appointment I will mention to my OB (also a guy) that I had PPD last time and I’m wondering what if any resources are in the area in case those clouds roll back in and stay.

•                As I was with Colin, I am anxious about how I’m going to keep my head above water, only this time, with two critters.  WHAT THE FORK WERE WE THINKING?  Getting laundry done, maybe.  But dinner? Ha.  What if I lose my mind when my mother in law gets ready to leave? (Okay, actually my husband is taking that week following her departure off work, but what if I lose my mind when he goes back?) I mean we are talking about everyday of the next few years, just me and the kid(s) except dinner time.  What if i run out of energy, ideas, patience?  Sorry to those of you going this mother thing alone.        

•                There is more, but I want to get this posted before Colin wakes up from his nap. 

* My anxieties about dropping Colin off are another post entirely.  

 

Appointment Went Well

Doc said to call if contractions get to more than 6-8 an hour.  Colin took no nap yesterday, but still was pretty good at the doctor's, though the evening was rough.  

Mother-In-Law called today. Said she wants to come a week before the baby is born, and then mentioned being gone from her house for a month.  ???!!???  Is she planning to go somewhere else too?  Surely she's not planning on being HERE for a month.  I'm way stuck between the need to have help with Colin and the household, (especially the very particular need of someone to watch him when we are at the hospital) and my intense desire for privacy, especially the first few days.  I need the help but want to be left alone.  Am going to have to reconcile all this somehow.     

Oh, and Colin started preschool this week.  Mon, Weds, mornings only.  He liked it the first day, but did not want to go back today.  I'm sitting here counting the next thirty minutes until I can leave to go get him.  I've gotten bunches done in the  two hours he's been away, but I miss my noodle.  

The First of Two Things Keeping Me Up At Night

Things in the c00chie area have improved.  I started alternating an anesthetic spray and a numbing cream.  Turns out, I think, that I am sensitive to something in the spray - while it would numb things for a while, the itching came back ablazing and worse than ever.  Several baths and some Benadryl later and that seems resolved  - no more spray for me.  I also went swimming one day (per a commenters suggestion) and it was wonderful.  The chlorine caused some irritation, but overall it made me feel great, and I swear it did seem like the pressure of the water pushed things back where they should have been.  Haven't had to use the cream since last night, and haven't needed an ice pack for days.  Hope I'm not jinxing anything here.    

I am feeling this new baby boy move a bit, which is nice, but what I'm feeling more of is contractions.  Talked to Duchess, who reassured me that the practice contractions frequently come stronger and earlier in subsequent pregnancies, and that as long as they are not organized/regular I'm probably fine...

...but I'm trying to decide whether to say anything to the doc about it.  Thing is, I think he's a pretty conservative guy, and I'm afraid he'll make the dreaded recommendation - that recommendation which will not be named here, because it is just is not possible.  We have a 2 year old and no one to come watch him.  My husband can't just take off work.  This thought, this fear of getting the dreaded recommendation, (or worse, me being hospitalized like I was with Colin) awakens me at night.  Not every night, but some - especially right before an appointment. (He's started to see me every two weeks, though I'm only at 28 weeks, I think. When did your doc start seeing you every two weeks?  Seems early to me.)  

I'm worried on so many levels: I have an appointment tomorrow and due to a mix up, my husband can't watch Colin, so I have to take him with me.  I think its just a pee and blood pressure check, but the waits can be long at this office, and I'll have to wake him up from nap to go the the doc.  And I was at exactly this point in my pregnancy with Colin when I went for a pee/bp appointment and didn't come home for nine days.  Dear goodness, what if I have him with me and they want to do an NST, or who knows what else?  I bought him a little sack of peanut M&Ms that we'll take, and I'm planning to bring a backpack full of activities and other snacks for him.  Maybe if I'm over-prepared I can keep the bad stuff from happening. 

Really, I should not complain, or even have the nerve to worry.  I'm not a service worker who is on her feet all day and whose family literally would go hungry without my employment.  I no longer feel so miserable that I would rather do anything (including go to the dentist) than continue being pregnant.

** I hadn't mentioned the contractions to my husband, but I did just fess up this evening, and I told him I was worried whether to mention it to the doc tomorrow.  He said to go ahead and tell him.  Will update tomorrow to let you know that everything at the appointment went well, and my son was an angel the whole time.  Oh, and don't be concerned that all this worry will raise my blood pressure -  I have abnormally low bp, so that is unlikely to ever be a problem for me, I think.