PTSD

I swear, I think I have OB appointment PTSD.  I think I'm afraid they're going to put me in the hospital.  There is nothing wrong - the contractions I was having before have settled down considerably - in fact I don't think I realized just how frequent they were until they went away.  And now I can distinguish between baby moving and a contraction much better.  But I still can't shake the feeling of impending doom - that just like with Colin, I will go for a regular appointment and wham-o, be blindsided and hospitalized and the earth will turn upside down and things will start spinning and ... you get the picture.  I'm irritable and don't sleep well the nights before appointments.  I sweat this strong smelling fear-sweat on the way to the appointment – the car smells like it by the time I get there.  Crazy as it sounds, I made sure my toiletry bag was ready in case my husband had to bring it to me the day of my last appointment.  And a few hours after I got home I realized how much of a burden of this worry I had been hauling around.  This is not the sanest behavior.  I'm having no symptoms, what the hell is my problem? 

I think it’s possible that I'm projecting all my other fears and anxieties onto this appointment issue.  Here they are:

•                Someone from church has volunteered to take Colin for the 8 hours or so it will take my brother to drive here.  He'll keep Colin until we get home from the hospital, then he'll head back to his home.  We'll have a few days just the 4 of us, then my mother in law will come for 2-3 weeks.  But how do I know when it’s REALLY labor?  I didn't have it with Colin - leaked amniotic fluid for three days and therefore was induced.  And this time, knowing when it’s the right time really matters.  I just know I’m going to have false alarms, and I’d hate to get my brother started driving here just to turn him back.  And what to I tell Colin when we take him to the church-lady’s?  “Mommy will be gone for a few days…or a few hours, who knows which?” *

•                I’m mostly afraid I’ll pull the trigger too soon because I WANT PAIN RELIEF.  I had it, eventually, with Colin, but my cervix tore and I’m relatively certain I felt that happen and really, I just don’t want to live through that again.  In fact, even if what I felt wasn’t my cervix tearing, but were just regular (pitocin-induced) contractions getting worse, I still really really don’t want that experience again.  I feel like I’ve never had a baby before, like I’m brand new at this thing, because really, in terms of starting labor, I haven’t done that yet, not the traditional ‘in the movies’ way.

•                I’m anxious that the post partum depression will come back.  Other than my OB, I have no general doctor here, and no prospects yet.  We found a ped for Colin and a general doctor for my husband, but he’s a real young guy.  This is closed minded of me, but I just don’t expect a male doctor to ‘get’ PPD.  Tell me I’m wrong, please.  I think at my next appointment I will mention to my OB (also a guy) that I had PPD last time and I’m wondering what if any resources are in the area in case those clouds roll back in and stay.

•                As I was with Colin, I am anxious about how I’m going to keep my head above water, only this time, with two critters.  WHAT THE FORK WERE WE THINKING?  Getting laundry done, maybe.  But dinner? Ha.  What if I lose my mind when my mother in law gets ready to leave? (Okay, actually my husband is taking that week following her departure off work, but what if I lose my mind when he goes back?) I mean we are talking about everyday of the next few years, just me and the kid(s) except dinner time.  What if i run out of energy, ideas, patience?  Sorry to those of you going this mother thing alone.        

•                There is more, but I want to get this posted before Colin wakes up from his nap. 

* My anxieties about dropping Colin off are another post entirely.  

 

Comments

[Lawmommy]

First of all, BIG HIGANTIC HUGS.

And can I assure you that it was two male doctors who gave a rat's ass about my PPD, who held my hand and told me that I owed it to myself and my baby and my husband to be honest about what was going on in my head, and, when I finally admitted what was going on in my head, hooked me up with the anti-anxiety and depression meds I needed to keep from losing my mind?

And my female doctor? Told me it was baby blues and that it was "nothing to be concerned about". Bitch. (I don't see her anymore, for ther record.) (Seriously, if I had listened to her and not shared my anxiety and insane fixations with my male GP, who knows where I would be right now.)

[Shanna]

Very glad to read that so far so good. I can't offer any advice on when you will know it is the real thing or not as I was induced with both of my kids. At least I did get pain meds with Marjorie though, none with the 25 hour labor for Alex, thanks super religious, prejudice against single mother's hospital. ;)
I know you have probably heard this before, but just take it one day at a time after the baby is here and try to work into a routine of sorts while you do have your help in the house. That will ease the transition to having to do it all on your own.
Don't give up on the young doc just cause he is young. With the way that depression has been actually being diagnosed and addressed versus totally ignored like in the old days, he may be more understanding then an older male or even a female doctor. Who knows, you may be so darn busy taking care of two this time around that you won't even get PPD. Do mention it to your doctor though, so that he can be prepared, just in case. My daughter's pediatrician, since we see him more often then my doctor, still asks if all is well with me and Marjorie is 2 years old. So that may be another source of help for you if need be.
Good luck and hope you have a safe, easy labor.

[RaeAnn]

For what its worth I started antidepressents at about 32 weeks with baby #2. Managed to avoid both the 3rd trimester paranoia and anxiety and the PPD I suffered the first time around. And by paranoia and anxiety I mean I was have 45 minute meltdowns over things like what I would say to my kids if we were ever on a plane and it was crashing.

[Heather Rawlings]

You may think you are being irrational but EVERY pregnant woman has those thoughts if they have had any difficulties in the past, and you have had more than your share of really hard pregnancies- emotionally and physically, so please give yourself some credit- your fears are not irrational because you have been through this before, and you know what can go wrong. BUT you also know this- at this point in your pregnancy if anything starts to go wrong your baby can be delivered and survive and grow up to be a perfectly happy, healthy human being RIGHT NOW. That gave me some relief on the home stretch. PLUS you've done this before!! You know from Colin when to just let your baby cry it out, or how the whole breast-feeding thing works, and how to swaddle and bathe and soothe, and what songs to sing, and how to handle sleep- this will all come back to you, and you are going to be the most kick-@ss Mom of 2 the world has ever seen, and you will do it with style and grace!!

So have you picked up a good southern accent yet??