Things are looking better and better.
After reading the comments left here and talking to a friend who happens to be a psychologist as well as talking to a social worker at the hospital, I think we all agree: its PTSD (props to Julia - she told me to look for a counselor who dealt with PTSD 4 years ago...that girl has been there and done that and saw the train acomin' for me). In fact, one person I spoke with said that its possible the PPD symptoms I had after Colin was born could actually have been PTSD as well. After all, my first (and strongest) experience with the immediate postpartum period was one of intense grief. Why wouldn't my mind/body/psyche have expected things to be just as bad the second time around?
And instead of ignoring it, I have decided to deal with it. I've got an appointment with a psychologist, who appears to be covered by our crappy insurance and has prescriptive authority, so I don't have to go to two different docs: one for counseling and one for meds. Now we just have to cross our fingers that the two of us can work well together AND that I can see her before this baby is born - my appointment is for just 10 days before my due date, but they have me on a cancellation list, so, fingers crossed...
I also talked to my doc about it again at yesterday's appointment. His response was "Yeah, I knew it was PTSD last week, but figured you didn't need a label." Huh? I don't know if its just me he's treating this way or if he's like this with all patients, but he's pretty close-mouthed ... about everything. I do like him, and he appears to be taking me seriously, even if he's not as forth-coming with info or as proactive as I'd like (for instance, he could have suggested counseling himself if he thought PTSD was the deal.) He did put a note on my file about the two triggers* I'm aware of, in hopes that it would help the nurses take my requests seriously.
The result of all this is this is that I am feeling much better about things as each day passes. I am still in no hurry to have this baby. In fact, I told the doc yesterday that I had heard his practice didn't let women go past 41 weeks and I was wondering if that was true. His response was that he couldn't remember the last time a patient had willingly gone to 41 weeks, and he didn't recommend it. Oy...this sounds like a doc that likes to induce. We'll cross that bridge in a few weeks, I'm just at 35w 4d now, so I'm thinking (hoping!) we've got time.
* One trigger is the whole paper gown thing, which is explained at the bottom of this post. The other one I am aware of is having the heartbeat monitor turned up too loud during labor. When we were in labor with Adam we had no monitors because we all knew he'd be stillborn. But they had the monitor turned up really loud on the woman in the next room. I remember laying there just listening to that beat beat beat beat beat beat beat, and, as a consequence, I hate that sound now. Also, this is not a trigger, but I did share with the doctor something I only told my husband last week: all brand newborn sleeping babies look dead to me. I know they are not dead, it doesn't panic me or anything, I just look at them and think 'they look dead'. Hope you all don't think I'm bananas.
Oh, and thanks to Duchess. Her example of advocating for herself to the docs and nurses caring for her during Claire's birth gave the the courage to start trying to do the same. (Yes, I know the birth story isn't there yet, give it time, lots of time, her hands are very full. I only know the details because I was lucky enough to talk to her on the phone.)