Took Colin to a little "I'm having a sibling" class at the hospital this morning. Since we just moved to Baton Rouge in January, this was our first time to see the hospital at which we will be delivering As Yet Unnamed New Baby. Part of the class included a mini-tour of the hospital. And just like three years ago, when we toured the hospital for Colin's birth, I lost it. I'm not sure I can even tell you exactly why, but I'm guessing its a combination of Adam stuff and anxiety about this upcoming birth.
By the time I turned around to tell my husband I was having a hard time, tears were streaming down my face. I could tell something was welling up as I got the sweats in the post-birth suite we were touring. In fact, I actually kinda stood outside the room, mostly because it was full, but I knew something wasn't right. All I kept thinking about was Adam's birth, which is weird...why wouldn't that experience in one of these kinds of rooms be replaced with the joyful event of Colin's birth? I almost felt chased down...hunted by those memories. And the thing is, I actually remember feeling good things in the moments after Adam's birth (of course, that was before I felt the intenseness of the grief).
Unfortunately, we have a parents only tour of the hospital scheduled for tomorrow. I feel like I need the information that will be given to us at that tour, because we really have no idea what all to expect at this place,* but the thought of another 45 minutes in that situation is suffocating me.
*We did learn one thing today: after they bathe the baby for the first time they put them in a paper gown. That screams DEAD BABY to me. No other baby of mine can be in a paper gown. I never saw Adam in one, but the nurse told me that's what they'd put him in after they took off his little outfit to give it to us. I would have never thought to bring any baby clothes other than a going home outfit, but I'll pack him a whole mess of clothes now.