I Told Him

I told my husband ...

 That it seems we barely talk.

That it feels like we are just job-sharing the kids.

That its hard for me to tease apart his dis-satisfaction with life from what feels like his dis-satisfaction with me.

That it would be really sucky if our marriage fell apart while I'm living in his mother's house.  

That I thought counseling would be a good idea.

That when I look at many of the other marriages in my life I see adoration, and I don't think we adore each other.  I don't feel that I adore him, and I don't think he adores me or anyone else - that's just not his personality.

That it really hurt my feelings when, after Toby and I were out of town all last week, he came upstairs to greet me when I returned home and within 10 minutes said "Well, I'm going to go back down and finish the movie I was watching." Literally, all my stuff was still in the car.

That the word divorce enters my mind every day.

And then we rolled over and went to sleep, he said very little in response.  The conversation was days ago.  Its never been mentioned since.   

 

I did not tell my husband...

That I have decided that, at least for now, no amount of me being lonely is worth my kids having divorced parents.  So I'm going to find a way to get satisfied with what I've got and hang on.  I can't change who he is fundamentally anymore than I can change my cat into a dog.  But I can change my expectations.

That I don't feel safe bringing up these issues with him because I fear he won't allow for a process of working things out - you're either all in or all out.

That although I know she was crazy, I can see how he played a role in his divorce from his first wife.  

I also did not tell him that tomorrow is Adam's birthday because I SHOULDN'T FUCKING HAVE TO. 

Comments

[Trisha]

Maybe he heard you. Maybe he's processing what you said. I don't know. I ended up divorced for a reason, so I'm not one to speculate. But I'll be holding you and Adam in my heart tomorrow. (((HUGS)))

[Sarah]

Ouch, this is identical to my life right now, except I don't have the complication of living with my MIL. Right down to the decision to stay so the kids don't have divorced parents. Well, that, and I can't imagine us financing two households.

The loneliness is brutal though. We are both here, but there is no interest. No laughing. It is sad, and I sometimes wonder if this is worse for the kids. . .

We've done therapy, but to no avail.

Email me if you want to chat...hang in there.

[Lawmommy]

I'm sorry. I want you to be happy. I want you to be not lonely. I want you to know your friends love one. Hugs. ((()))

[Lawmommy]

That is supposed to say, "your friends love YOU", not ONE. :-)

[Heather Rawlings]

Your friends do love you very, very much. We hurt for you when you are hurting, because we know your capacity to be joyful, silly and a lot of fun. Hang in there- men are REALLY difficult to communicate with- I pray he heard you and is processing. You may have shocked the @#$! out of him- which may have been your intention to get some sort of reaction.

[Janice]

After 26 years of marriage, I still haven't figured it out. There is such a difference in the way people communicate (men vs women especially I think) and you'd think I would know what that means by now . . . but I still get hurt/angry with the lack of response and/or emotion from my spouse from time to time (and more often than I'd like). I don't want to supply empty words of [false] comfort but it does seem to me that things change, cycle on and off, over periods of time and that the potential for a positive swing is there. You are in such a stressful situation right now with taking care of young kids, living at your MILs, and looking for employment (not to mention Adam's birthday and all that means, both consciously and subconsciously) that issues with your relationship seem perfectly reasonable. I’d say hang in there but that’s your call, you’re the one “in it”; I’m here if you need an ear or other support though. Hugs.

[Spacemom]

To be perfectly honest, it sounds like good old fashioned clinical depression. I am there (a constant battle, it doesn't "go away" like I had hoped). He may not know what to do. He hears the words and then blames himself, forcing himself deeper into a hole. I don't know what else to say.

I hope you did okay yesterday on Adam's birthday....

[Duchess]

I love you.