I told my husband ...
That it seems we barely talk.
That it feels like we are just job-sharing the kids.
That its hard for me to tease apart his dis-satisfaction with life from what feels like his dis-satisfaction with me.
That it would be really sucky if our marriage fell apart while I'm living in his mother's house.
That I thought counseling would be a good idea.
That when I look at many of the other marriages in my life I see adoration, and I don't think we adore each other. I don't feel that I adore him, and I don't think he adores me or anyone else - that's just not his personality.
That it really hurt my feelings when, after Toby and I were out of town all last week, he came upstairs to greet me when I returned home and within 10 minutes said "Well, I'm going to go back down and finish the movie I was watching." Literally, all my stuff was still in the car.
That the word divorce enters my mind every day.
And then we rolled over and went to sleep, he said very little in response. The conversation was days ago. Its never been mentioned since.
I did not tell my husband...
That I have decided that, at least for now, no amount of me being lonely is worth my kids having divorced parents. So I'm going to find a way to get satisfied with what I've got and hang on. I can't change who he is fundamentally anymore than I can change my cat into a dog. But I can change my expectations.
That I don't feel safe bringing up these issues with him because I fear he won't allow for a process of working things out - you're either all in or all out.
That although I know she was crazy, I can see how he played a role in his divorce from his first wife.
I also did not tell him that tomorrow is Adam's birthday because I SHOULDN'T FUCKING HAVE TO.