Sorting The Baby Stuff

Wide Awake

It's 2:10AM. I am not asleep. This has been going on since I stopped taking the good pain drugs from the D&C. I assume that had it not been for the drugs knocking me out, this would have been going on since the day of the D&C.

I have never been a good sleeper. Back in the day I dreaded bedtime. I have always had to read or listen to music or watch TV to get to sleep. Due to Colin's amazing lack of interest in the news, (we watch the Game Show Network-he likes the clapping- or the Jungle Book movie pretty much everyday- watched it 5 times in two days) I get my info about the
rest of the world from listening to podcasts on
my iPhone as I fall asleep at night (which is also how I'm posting this right now). I have been listening for hours and hours this week. I'm fully updated on the world's events, but lord am I ever under-slept.

I have finally moved out to the living room so I won't be bothering my husband with my iPhone listening/solitaire playing combo. I have also finally decided that I am going to call the dr in the morning to see about getting something for sleep because this is ridiculous.

Adam's birthday is coming up on Monday, so I figure if you add that to this recent m/c I probably just need to listen to my body and mind and get some help for bedtime, because I am back to way way way dreading it.

Not too easy to check this entry on the tiny iPhone acreen so I'm just gonna let it post with problems and try to get on the regular computer tomorrow and fix it up (if I can pry my eyes open).

This Will Ramble

From the moment we knew it was a miscarriage,*we both felt more irritated and disappointed than sad.  And that feeling lasted until yesterday, when a couple of things came together for a perfect storm.  First, my husband hadn't slept well, and said it was because he'd been off work since the 23rd and was not looking forward to going back today.  That's not like him - he's a positive person, loves work and doesn't mope.  I think its safe to say he's pretty unhappy at this new job, but we are thankful that at least he has a job in this economy - we know several folks that are out of work right now.  Then we went to church, and dummy-me forgot that all the hymns in these days after Christmas involve the words crib, baby, crying, mother, etc.  We had also begun to tip-toe around a 'trying again' discussion, but I was sensing some push-back from him.  

It all came to a head at about 11 last night when I couldn't sleep and we ended up going full on at the 'trying again' topic.  I wasn't sad about this loss until I realized that he doesn't want to try again.  That is breaking my heart, stealing my hope and making me very angry.  Its probably a good thing that he's out of town for work tonight.  The most commitment I can get out of him is that we'll see what the dr has to say next week and then we'll discuss it.  But I know he would be overjoyed if I said I was done.  I didn't know this was my last chance.  

I hate the thought of putting Colin's baby things away and knowing no other child of mine is going to play with them/wear them/use them.  My husband isn't at all excited about the idea of adoption, so that's out.  I'm 36.  That can be kinda old to have a baby, but its not ancient, is it?  Because we are older parents (my husband is 10 years older than me) we know we don't want to saddle Colin with caring for a special needs sibling and the chances of that go up as the months pass by.  He says we should be grateful for one healthy child.  I am, and I don't think wanting another one is being ungrateful.  He says he doesn't want to have three losses to get another healthy one like it took for Colin.  I say I'm the one enduring the losses and D&C's (with the exception of Adam, which was his loss too) so step the fuck off.  He says he doesn't want to have a baby when he's 50, which I can understand, but that's 3 years away (he turns 47 in a few weeks).  My siblings have driven me nuts at times, but I'm glad I have them, and I want that very badly for Colin.  I don't want him to be an only child.          

Oh Fuck Fuck Fuck.  Fuck and then Fuck. 

*  Because we were still before 12 weeks, we knew it would be a transvag!nal u/s.  The tech gets started, but of course I can't see a thing.  I look at my husband and he can't tell what he's looking at.  I try to get a read off the tech's face, but that  got me nothing.  I figure things must be okay because she kept pressing the button to make the beep that prints the pictures (I think).  But there were a lot of beeps and lots of moving things around and after maybe 3 minutes or so she looks at me and says "Can you hold this for a minute?"  Folks, she had me reach down and hold the end of the dildo cam while it was still inside me and she walked out of the room without a word.  I just stared  at the door, stunned -  and finally said to my husband "that can't be good."  I am not exaggerating when I say she was gone for at least 7 minutes, because I finally looked at the time on the u/s machine to track it.  If it didn't involve crotch I would've thought we were on candid camera rather than v-tv.  Eventually the she-devil tech walked back in with the dr trailing behind her and the jig was up.  I will have to give the dr credit.  Because we happened to have family in town who were leaving the next morning, he said he'd stay and do the D&C at the ambulatory surgery center across the street that evening.  We were home by 11 that night and he gave me lots of good drugs.  

No Baby

No heartbeat. D&C in 3 hours.

Feeling Pretty Good

Our ultrasound is late this afternoon, and I'm feeling pretty good about things.  Mostly because I'm not feeling very good.  Sometimes when I brush my teeth in the morning I get so gaggy I think I'll hurl before I get finished.  I figure that wouldn't be happeneing if I wasn't still pregnant.  When I had my second m/c I knew right away because all my pg symptoms vanished overnight.  Could be that the progesterone is whats making me feel ill...who knows.  I'll update as soon as I can this evening. 

Rescue Progesterone

Not really a term you want to hear at an OB appointment, rescue progesterone.  Baby too small, heartbeat too slow (70 bpm).  Rx for progesterone supplement and repeat ultrasound in 12 days.

I'm small - I weigh100 lbs small, so I'm thinking that maybe this baby is just small too.  We'll see. 

We were looking forward to telling everyone our news when we go home for Christmas, but even the doc kinda recommended against it.

The Hope Roller Coaster

The first week and a half after the positive hpt we really did literally act like nothing happened.  We had nine members of my husband's family in town for an early Thanksgiving, then we went home to stay with my family for 'actual' Thanksgiving.  That Sunday, on the car ride back to Kentucky, my husband brought up the baby issue, because we were talking about puppies (<--- that'll make sense later).  We didn't get all giggly and excited or discuss baby names, but we did google due date calculators and whatnot on my iphone.  

So, I hopped on the Hope Roller Coaster that afternoon.  Because I could think of nothing else to do, I took another hpt when we got home.  Of course it turned positive faster than immediately.  Now, I know good and well that how fast it turns positive is no indication of the amount of hCG.  Further, I know from my first miscarriage that hCG levels can be a-ok even when there is a problem (hCG was almost 100,000 the day we found out it was a blighted ovum.)  All that reasoning aside, I was feeling a bit hopeful for the first time.

Toward the end of the week, though, the doubts started getting louder than the hopes.  I just simply do not seem pregnant. It's early yet - 1st day of lmp 10/22, but still I was sick with Colin.  Not throwing up everyday sick, but I was ill.  I could not eat anything (not even salad dressing) with even a hint of garlic or onion in it without getting ill, and nothing like that is going on this time around (though some of that could be due to a change in prenatal vitamins).  My boobs don't hurt at all.  I'm not more tired, not more hungry and don't have to pee more. 

Right now my worries are very practical.  I've never had to consider childcare when scheduling a dr appointment before.  My husband will come home and stay with Colin (we don't have anyone who could sit for us, and though we've met a few other moms/kids, we don't know any of them well enough to ask them to keep Colin).  This means that I will have to go to the u/s and dr appt alone.  The last time I did that was in November of 2005 when I was at Adam's 12 week u/s and the tech thought she saw an increased nuchal measurement that became so very much more.  Speaking of ultrasounds, I know I could try to call and see about getting in before Dec 17, but I guess at this point I'd rather just do it when I know for sure there would be a heartbeat.  My other 'practical worries' are that if this is a m/c it just moves our timeline back that much further for TTC (I'm already 36, time is not on my side)  Lastly, someone else is going to have to keep Colin for a few hours so I can have a d&c  Yup, the cart is a bit before the horse on that last one, but I'm just spilling what's going on in my brain.

Must change subjects right quick as Colin is likely to wake up from his nap in a few minutes.  My husband wants a labrador retriever puppy something fierce.  We had three german shepherds when I was little, so I'm used to big dogs, and we have lots of room for a dog to run and play.  But, geeze, they sound like a lot of work.  There is a breeder in the area who will have a litter ready to go home at Christmas.  Don't get me started on the breeder vs rescue discussion - I've made my case and my husband insists on a breeder this go-round.  I feel like I'm being the grinch if I tell him 'no' but even he understands that since I'm home all day, the majority of the dog-work will fall on me.  I feel like I'm not having a very open heart if I'm against a puppy, and I can see how in some ways this is okay timing.  Plus, there is a movie coming about about a yellow lab, so I figure the breed is about to get all messed up as it gets even more popular than it already is.  Are we nuts to consider this right now ?

Gotta go. 

   

Last Wednesday...

...I took a pregnancy test and it was negative.  Mostly.  Unless you held it in the sunlight just right.  So I took another one - different brand - same resultish, only you didn't need as much light to see the second line.  So I took a digital one*, and by god that sonofabitch said 'pregnant'.  Cannot get into the doc until middle of December, so other than cutting down on my time with the crack pipe, we're just going along as if there is no news.  (Am taking three folic acid, 1 prenatal vitamin and 1 baby aspirin.)  Seems my husband and I silently agreed to ignore it and go about our lives - no discussion, no telling anyone, etc.  It will be weeks until we know whether there is a living being involved here.

You are, as always, my secret keepers, my safe place for joys and fears.  This counts as both.  If I know you in real life, I cannot discuss this with you via phone or email yet.  Sorry.

*If you are wondering where I got all the pee for those tests you must be pretty new to this rodeo.  Those of us who've been playing this game for a while know to always pee in a cup to allow for multiple-test-verifying.  

Checking Out

My husband is breathing down my neck to get this computer shut down and readied for the packers tomorrow.  The shit is waaaaaaaaay about to hit the fan 'round these parts, but I imagine we'll get through it (really, what's the other choice?)  So, not that I've been at all good about posting here lately, or perhaps ever, this is me checking out for a while.  We'll be moving for the next three days, and then will have no internet at home until the end of August.  If I can get online at the hotel I will do so, time permitting. 

I'm coming back.  Might even try to get pregnant again in a few months, too.   

B. F. E.

We are moving way out to BFE.  At the closing I asked the previous owner if they got deer in the back field.  "Oh yes," she said, "until we put that fence up we had deer and cows wandering through the backyard."  Huh.  There is no cable service out there, thank goodness for satellite.  Though, really, I could go without cable.  The only way to get internet is through a satellite too, but it appears there is some issue with that.  For a while I may have to do internet/email from the library - I'm sure Colin won't make that especially easy.  I try to remind myself that there was a time, way back before college, that I did live without the internet. 

We are taking a load of stuff that the movers won't transport (cats, plants, cleaning materials...think I can put all that in the same box?) down over 4th of July weekend, then the packers come on the 14th, loaders on the 15th and we're gone.  That's two weeks away.  Oh my. 

How lucky I am, though, to have a house...that is not in danger of being exploded by a roadside bomb, or taken over by a militia that decides they'd like to use it now, or is about to be washed away by a flood, or burned up by a wild fire.  People all over the world, and all over America would love to have my problems, so I'll just try to keep that perspective in the front of my mind for a while.    

Houston, We Have A ...

...climber.  The child is trying to kill himself.  He has no respect for gravity.  We are on our way to the Emergency Room - I don't know when, but I'm sure we are on our way.  There are stitches in this child's future.  Ripped a fingernail off last week.  Has had three bloody/fat lips in the last several days.  I'm keeping these pictures in the diaper bag with me, so I can use them in my defense when the ER docs start thinking I'm beating the kid.

  First he climbs the baby gate.

And next thing I know he's "hanging out" in the pantry.   This was all in the same day - and every day is like this...is every kid this...active?  He's 14 months old and doesn't speak a single word, but lord can he move.